Everyone Needs a Place to Get Away

Monday, May 18, 2015

Growing Stronger...still stuck...and then a drastic move.

Uncertainty. Feeling lost. Alone. Angel has always felt this way every since she was young. Regardless of who she was with, she always did not know where she was going in life. Never had any dreams. Never had any dream careers. Or anything that she wanted to really accomplish in life. Through social media, she felt envious looking at how other people were doing in their lives. Accomplishing great things, finding their dreams...and having fun with their friends. She thought..."What am I doing wrong with mine? Am I not doing anything right? Was I not born in the wrong generation?"

Throughout elementary to high school, she always recalled going home straight after school as her parents were strict and overprotective of her in where she was. She was pretty surprised that she really ended up with any friends at all. She had no desire and no motivation to go anywhere after the first time. College - she thought it would change her. The last year certainly did but she did get sick a couple of times which made her miss out on major events. But she felt more alive that last year. She felt warm, being accepted for how awkward she was. How she liked to take photos. She was feeling regretful in leaving this family feeling environment.

She moved on to her next stage of life - getting a job. She managed to secure one a while away from where she lived. She loved it. Learning something new made her sparkle with excitement although everyone in the company was older and had families. Angel also finally found someone that could make her smile. And feel happy although he annoyed the heck out of her. Though the first time she met him, her first thought was to never fall for this person. And...she did for Shuen. They entered into a relationship a bit after the company they were both working at promoted her. However the next part was pretty rough, like a rollercoaster. Angel's mind was not in the right place as demands from the job pushed her over her limits and she had nightmares. Eventually they moved her elsewhere where she could regain what she had left to accumulate profits for the company in a different area. The relationship with Shuen continued. They went on small road trips all around when there was a three day weekends. But Angel felt dissatisfied with what she was doing. Every day was the same continuous pattern - calls, ensuring everything was proceeding well in production, customer complaints, Shuen returning her home. She felt like this was not what she wanted to do for the next couple of years. She wanted to go out and be alive. And to be honest she had no idea what she was doing.

Angel contemplated. She liked where she and Shuen were at but there was nothing that pushed them to be living in a apartment together. Angel could not even imagine it would even happen. She gazed at her pictures that she took in front of her and looked around her. Her own room at her parents house felt constricting. She took a intake of a breath. But all the photos away. And she meditated. Thoughts of when she was happy...besides Shuen and her friends from college was when noone really knew her. But this was in another state. And it was only for a week. But she was happy then. It was exciting to be somewhere noone knew you. The mountains that one sees when driving from one place to the next. The light rays from the sun which shone down. The vastness of the area when you can scream and shout if you really need to. The sand where you could plunge your toes into and rock them around.

She took another deep breath and turned to face her laptop on her desk. She scrolled down and poised the arrow upon the confirmation and clicked. It was done. She just booked a one way ticket to California. The next two to three months were going to be crazy.

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