Growing Stronger...still stuck...and then a drastic move.

Uncertainty. Feeling lost. Alone. Angel has always felt this way every since she was young. Regardless of who she was with, she always did not know where she was going in life. Never had any dreams. Never had any dream careers. Or anything that she wanted to really accomplish in life. Through social media, she felt envious looking at how other people were doing in their lives. Accomplishing great things, finding their dreams...and having fun with their friends. She thought..."What am I doing wrong with mine? Am I not doing anything right? Was I not born in the wrong generation?"

Throughout elementary to high school, she always recalled going home straight after school as her parents were strict and overprotective of her in where she was. She was pretty surprised that she really ended up with any friends at all. She had no desire and no motivation to go anywhere after the first time. College - she thought it would change her. The last year certainly did but she did get sick a couple of times which made her miss out on major events. But she felt more alive that last year. She felt warm, being accepted for how awkward she was. How she liked to take photos. She was feeling regretful in leaving this family feeling environment.

She moved on to her next stage of life - getting a job. She managed to secure one a while away from where she lived. She loved it. Learning something new made her sparkle with excitement although everyone in the company was older and had families. Angel also finally found someone that could make her smile. And feel happy although he annoyed the heck out of her. Though the first time she met him, her first thought was to never fall for this person. And...she did for Shuen. They entered into a relationship a bit after the company they were both working at promoted her. However the next part was pretty rough, like a rollercoaster. Angel's mind was not in the right place as demands from the job pushed her over her limits and she had nightmares. Eventually they moved her elsewhere where she could regain what she had left to accumulate profits for the company in a different area. The relationship with Shuen continued. They went on small road trips all around when there was a three day weekends. But Angel felt dissatisfied with what she was doing. Every day was the same continuous pattern - calls, ensuring everything was proceeding well in production, customer complaints, Shuen returning her home. She felt like this was not what she wanted to do for the next couple of years. She wanted to go out and be alive. And to be honest she had no idea what she was doing.

Angel contemplated. She liked where she and Shuen were at but there was nothing that pushed them to be living in a apartment together. Angel could not even imagine it would even happen. She gazed at her pictures that she took in front of her and looked around her. Her own room at her parents house felt constricting. She took a intake of a breath. But all the photos away. And she meditated. Thoughts of when she was happy...besides Shuen and her friends from college was when noone really knew her. But this was in another state. And it was only for a week. But she was happy then. It was exciting to be somewhere noone knew you. The mountains that one sees when driving from one place to the next. The light rays from the sun which shone down. The vastness of the area when you can scream and shout if you really need to. The sand where you could plunge your toes into and rock them around.

She took another deep breath and turned to face her laptop on her desk. She scrolled down and poised the arrow upon the confirmation and clicked. It was done. She just booked a one way ticket to California. The next two to three months were going to be crazy.

Not Alone.

"Don't waste a minute not being happy.

If one window closes, run to the next window. Or just break down the door."

Life seems to have gone by so fast. Angel sighed. She was in her last year of college. She had a relationship. And...it was gone. She had ended it. She had fallen in love so quickly with Leon during her sophomore year. And now, it was finished. It was  her personal reasons why the relationship could not continue. None of the fault laid with him. But she felt horrible for making someone dear to her hurt. Terrible. Painful.

As she looked at herself in the mirror leaning against the wall, she saw a confused girl looking back. Her auburn eyes were empty and dark. Her hair looked the same as it did that time when she was crying back in freshman year. Angel started having flashbacks of her past. Her puppy love, her  obsession with Yin, her one-side crushes (Tristan, Jake), other people's one-side crushes of her, her relationship with Leon. Some of these flashbacks were good memories, some of them had the most horrible outcomes. She blinked and slapped her hands across her cheeks. She was not going to cry. She had gotten through hard times. She had made mistakes. She had paid for it by never forgetting those experiences. This was her decision to go through with it. And now the consequences. She needed to accept them.

"You are strong. You can get through this." Angel murmured to her reflection. She closed her eyes to hear the silence around her. The slow realization of loneliness embraced her like a old friend. She turned around and grabbed the stuffed animal Ethan had given her, and hugged it. The blue-eyed puff ball stared back at her. She patted the white soft fur and sighed again. The relationship and the memories that came with it will never be forgotten as well as the pain and the guilt...

Everything seemed so different than it was before. But this. This was what she wanted. The time to find herself. The time to better manage herself. What she really liked to do. Learning how to take pictures. Making new friends. What she needed to work on.

One being her nature to trust others.

There have been some recent new acquaintances she encountered And as she found out, they were not what they seemed they were. Angel slightly tightened her grip on the puff ball. The world is not as kind as she originally thought. There are people who care only about climbing up and using anyone as a stepping stone. There are people who like to play around with other people's feelings and use it to their advantage. Womanizers. There are people that do not want to be friends but pretend they are. Two-faced. There are people worse off than her. There are many kinds people who seem terrible And she has been too protected to fend against these kinds of people. Now was the time she had to grow up.

She was thankful to her close friends and her family who have been by her side. They had forgiven her when she had done something wrong. And they have stood by her side. But they also helped her stay strong as well as looked out for her. She needed to get stronger to look out for these precious friends as well.

Now was the time she had to get stronger. Even if some people no longer acknowledge her when she walks passed, there was no need to be sad. Because if they had wanted to stay in her life, they would have made a effort to do so. If they did not, then what was the point of chasing after them? (Of course unless it was for work, that would be a different matter). As for those using her as a stepping stone and pretending to like the same things she did. They needed to realize that there is a better way of life. There was no need to pretend to like the same hobbies she did, Angel would much rather preferred if they just honestly said what she liked. But people have their reasons.

As a whole bunch of more thoughts popped up on these thoughts, Angel hugged puff ball, shook her head and nodded.

She needed to finished studying for her midterms which were happening in a few days. Angel placed puff ball back onto the bed and jumped into her seat. Priorities come first. Worrying about relationship and social problems will need to come later. It was definitely a huge life change but now it was time to go on with life.



As she started to read her notes for one of her midterms. One thought definitely remained with her. One tear dropped as she smiled. Her family and those who cared about her, her real friends will always be with her; Ethan, Chloe, Aurora...She was not alone.

Car Keys

“Angel? ANGEL! Hello? Am I talking to a rock?” A slightly tanned hand waved in front of Angel, and then switched to a snap of the fingers, startling her out of her stupor. Angel was surprised to the point that she fell out of her seat she had been sitting in and landed on the ground with a thud. Angel rubbed her sore area before looking up to seeing who it was that wanted her attention.

“Geez Ethan, why’d you do that?” Angel complained as ‘Ethan’ reached his hand out so she could get up from the ground which she took. Her best guy friend Ethan sighed. He had spent about ten minutes just to get her attention even saying “I’m gay” to try to get a reaction out of her which hadn’t worked obviously. His last resort was to get a handful of water from the water fountain nearby and splash it on her, but he didn’t get the opportunity to try it yet, and she doesn’t need to know that.

“Hmm…I wonder. Maybe it’s because I have been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes while you started daydreaming about lover boy.” Ethan grumbled as he sat down on the bench Angel had been sitting on. Angel who had been brushing off the back of her shorts, flushed pink before stuttering out, “I…I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Ethan replied firmly as he scrolled through his net book that he had just whipped out. Angel let out a sigh before collapsing next to Ethan on the bench, silently admitting he was right. Summer had started and she was back…home.

A certain redhead popped into her mind the past days since she had left school for summer, as well as right now. But she was trying not to think about him! She whipped her auburn hair back and forth before stopping. Her brown eyes looked up towards the blue sky. She was wearing a white T-shirt that complimented her light skin also sporting the words in black script “Back off if you don’t got business with me”, and a pair of bold blue shorts along with a pair of brown flip flops. The sun hit her profile, illuminating her skin to shine a pearl white. Her thoughts started to stray again and while she was thinking, she slightly turned her head and looked over at Ethan who was intently looking through his net book.

“Fob...” She whispered softly as possible with a crinkle of a smile, but of course, he heard. He always did have such excellent hearing. His head jerked up, his black hair whipped up and she found her eyes face to face with his brown orbs. The sun gleamed through the trees overhead them, catching some bits of his hair, making it shine light brown. He pointed his right index finger over his entire body before asking, “How am I fobby?” Ethan had on an American Eagle white hoodie, navy blue jeans, and some sneakers. On his left hand held the net book, his cell phone and wallet in his right pocket, and then in his left pocket some cash and…

Angel grinned as she leaned over Ethan, her right hand landing near his left side on the bench, and shifted to the position in that she was practically sitting on him. Ethan taken aback noticed how she was a bit TOO close for his comfort. He was just about to let her know that when she suddenly giggled and got up saying, “You just are to me!” before running towards the direction of his car waving something small, shiny, and strikingly familiar with her left hand. Ethan startled at her abrupt actions, looked in the pocket where his car keys just were and got up then chased after her.

“Hey! Angel! Give me back my car keys! ANGEL!” Ethan yelled as she just opened the door to the driver’s seat to his aqua colored Honda Accord EX-L. She grinned childishly before announcing in a singsong tone as she settled into the driver’s seat, “You either, get to sit in your car BUT in the passenger’s seat or just sit here in the park abandoned, your choice.” He panted from the run, before resignedly agreeing with conditions he set himself, “Okay you can drive, but ONLY TO THAT BLOCK!”

She gave him her ultimate puppy eyes look as well as adding his trademark “Awwww” that she used nowadays, but to no avail did he agree. He loved his car too much to leave it in her care for too long. She finally gave in to his stubbornness with a sigh and started the car once Ethan got in.

“You got your driver’s license right?” Ethan questioned as she put her hands on the wheel after fastening the seat belt. She smirked.

“Course I did, last summer with only one mistake.” She whipped out her driver’s license and stuck it in the sunglasses case in located in the middle of the car in the top front and then dropped her cell phone on his lap to hold. And with a press of the gas pedal, she started to drive to the block that she compromised before she veered a right turn, signaling of course.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Where did we say you were supposed to drive to just now?” Ethan exclaimed as his hand grabbed the door armrest on his right and held the net book to his chest along with her cell phone.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Angel replied innocently, with the most angelic clueless face complete with a smile.

“Man…you’re going to be the death of me. Just don’t damage the car…or get us into any car accidents…” Ethan sighed as he knew he didn’t really have anything to blackmail her with. The cell phone would be quite useless because he knew she’ll merely grin and say “Go for it” since she wanted a new phone. Well…there was the lover boy business, but then that might land them in exactly what he didn’t want to go into.

“No won’t do.” Angel agreed as she took her right hand of the wheel and switched on the radio just as it started to play Taeyang’s Wedding Dress.

“Everything will be ok. I promise…well for now.” She grinned and started to hum with the song and then as her right hand took control of the wheel, she quickly pressed the button to her left to open the car windows. A breeze drifted in from both windows and flowed out the other, ruffling both of their hairs; Angel’s whisking it to the left and right as well as floating up and down, Ethan’s as if it was blowing on grass, making it burnish the same light brown it was at the park they were just as.

A bead of sweat dripped from Ethan’s right side of his face despite the cool breeze. He wiped it off before grasping his hands together and prayed silently, ‘Please please PLEASE let us get through this, and I’ll never…I swear… NEVER…let her get my car keys ever again…”

Rainy Days

Her mid-long light brown hair blew past her face, revealing her cheeks, flushed pink from thinking, as the wind from the window next to her breezed in. Her auburn eyes, brighter than it had been since then sparkled. Resting her head on her left hand, she tapped the pen in her right hand to her mouth.

Angel stared out the paper laid out in front of her with her pen poised to write with a grim expression. She was suppose to be writing something for a class, but she as usual, was summarizing everything that has happen to her. It's been such a roller-coaster ride.

It has been 3 months since she finally got it into her head that Yin didn't love her. And that was in the middle of the school year, and now, it's about the end of her first year. She felt so incredibly stupid for believing that he would reciprocate her feelings. But hey, a girl can dream right? Although she definitely wouldn't want to dream about him anytime soon.

And now, she wasn't sure about a certain different guy. As the image of a certain redhead with purple eyes came into her mind she sighed, then dropped the pen on top of the paper. Her thoughts echoed around in her head, clashing and creating a din of noise mentally, before she finally slammed her hands on the desk in desperation, standing up. She needed to get out of her room.

She gave herself a look-over in the nearby mirror positioned near her bed, then whipped back to her desk indecisively before turned her laptop on from its sleeping stage. She checked the weather before changing from stay-in wear, to outerwear. As she changed, she also put her laptop back to sleep; then tied on a pair of dark blue converses. Her white tang top glowed from under the short-sleeve navy blue hoodie in her semi-dark room, since it was only lighted by the window. Grabbing her Ipod, whom she named "Silver" for its color; she plugged in the white earphones into her ears, slipping the mp3 into the right pocket of her denim shorts after picking the play list "Current Fav". She looked around the room for the other necessary articles she needed, spotting her ID card hidden behind her laptop, cell phone on her wardrobe, and the key to her room in the blankets on her bed. Slipping them into the pockets of what she was wearing, she cheerfully hummed with the song she heard playing, and left the room.

It looked like a beautiful day out.

20 min later...

She spoke too soon.

Angel sighed in dismay, hiding under a tree. She was having such a nice walk by herself, not noticing the dark clouds approach, since she quickly dismissed them as not dangerous. And after seeing everything flash white in front of her for a second, she realized she was caught in a thunderstorm outside.

She had walked a bit farther then she bargained, and she wasn't nearby anywhere providing more shelter then where she was right now. Stupid weather website, totally lied about it being a sunny day. She leaned against the tree, quietly thanking it for being there at her moment of trouble. A loud snap of thunder broke and Angel cringed, suffocating a yelp. She whipped out her cell phone as the rain poured, falling from the dark clouds and hitting the dirt and ground around her with a splash.

She sent a text to her closest friend, Maggie, in hopes that her friend could save her from the rain. She waited for a reply and cringed more as the clouds rumbled. Her phone went off, and she opened it in hopes of it being Maggie replying. She was so surprised at who the sender was that she looked the screen closer several times..it was a text from him.

Him...was she dreaming? She stared still a bit taken aback and then clicked to open and read the text.

"Hey, are you okay from the thunder?" Her lips curved into a smile, at the joy of him remembering from one of their conversations that she was scared of rain, before her fingers moved across the keyboard of her phone typing back the response "In a way I suppose. Just caught out in the rain because I was taking a walk outside."

Within the minute she sent it, she immediately got a response, "Where are you?"

She told him where she was, and then within a quick while, she saw a figure similar to his appear on the path. She blinked from her crouched withdrawn position she had settled into after hearing more thunder and then realized it was him. She realized that he ran to reach her from his attire; his hood was over his head but his face had still gotten wet. The front bangs of his dark red hair stuck down due to getting wet, his purple orbs squinting through the rain, jeans a dark blue, summing it up, he looked quite soaked. In his hand was an black umbrella, unwrapped. As he reached where she was from under the tree panting from the run, he handed the unwrapped umbrella to her.

She stared at his wet form in shock and then at the umbrella. Worry sprung through her.

"You IDIOT! You didn't have to run to come get me!" She scolded and she got up from her crouched position. With her left hand she took the unwrapped umbrella, and then with the other, she used her hand to wipe the rain away from his face. They both froze at the contact of the skin but it was broken once there was the loud clapping of thunder.

She quickly withdrew the hand and hugged the umbrella, feeling her cheeks grow hot. She mumbled a sorry before peeking to stare at him. He had put his hands across his chest cupping each elbow in the opposite hand with his mouth in a nervous pout. He used his right hand to wipe the remaining raindrops off his face, flicking the wet tip of the bangs of his red hair in the process. His purple eyes flickered around, as through they were trying not to land on her. He looked like he was trying to keep his cool, at not being surprised by her action, but he actually was.

"Erhm...yeah, so want to head back?" He asked breaking the silence. She nodded and as he turned around to walk out into the rain from under the protective branches of the tree, she grabbed the back of his left shoulder jacket and pulled him back. He turned back with a questioning face before she said, "You're walking with me under the umbrella."

He smiled sensing a argument about to start and shook his head claiming it was fine, since he was already wet, what damage can the rain do to him. They argued for a good several minutes before another thunderclap interrupted her and she flinched. He sighed as he finally consented to walk with her under the umbrella. He opened the umbrella and she stepped with him from under the tree into the rain, to the cover of the black umbrella. As another thunderclap rumbled she grabbed onto his arm in fright.

He took in her shivering form before telling her to hold the umbrella for a moment, which she did. He took off his jacket, revealing a black T-shirt while she looked around her at the pouring rain and then put it around her. Angel astounded at what he just did opened her mouth to complain that he'll be cold, but he stopped her by saying, "Just wear it. You look cold."

He retrieved holding the umbrella and grabbed her hand and resumed walking. His jacket was pretty warm from the inside, and it reached up to a bit over her mid-thigh. As it rained harder, Angel smiled, as he looked ahead on the path they were walking.

Rainy days didn't seem that bad anymore.

Confusion

Angel sighed, a long deep sigh. She was unsure. About everything with Yin. She stared up at the ceiling of her room as she lied facing upwards from her bed; thoughts rapidly ran across her head. What...was she suppose to do? Or rather, what did she still think about him?

She didn't talk to him that often, ...well she did, but only when his other guy friends were around. When she was left alone with him, she couldn't bear to be in the same room as him. Her attraction towards him turned more intense when they were alone, which was why she always left. Angel had already knocked her head into the wall several times hoping to find a situation or answer, but unfortunately, she just got a bigger headache.

She was suppose to forget him, or go back to friend status with him. Without his knowledge of course. Wait a sec, her mind snapped, what knowledge?! He saw her as a "good friend." She slapped her hands on her eyes as she let out a exasperated noise,...her feelings were one sided. She couldn't seem to remember that.

She peeked through her fingers and thought about what her friends told her. He wasn't good enough for her. He wasn't committed to relationships. He played around. He was just using her. She should move on. Her friends advised what was best for her. But why didn't she take their advice? Instead she had gone deeper and deeper, to the point where she didn't know her own opinion of him anymore. She had been too widely influenced my her friends' thoughts since all of them, didn't want her to be hurt. And that forced her to just not want to think about anything. She had started to eat more sugary foods, boosting her self-confidence, but erasing the part of her which thought so often. She did things more recklessly and thought about the consequences after doing things. She didn't want to think about kissing him, embracing him, touching him, him touching her, she didn't want to think at all when she saw him. Angel was over her head, and she didn't want to deal with it anymore.

The Truth Hurts

Angel’s shining sapphire tears trickled down her cheeks from her brown auburn eyes, leaving a tear-stained face, after the teardrops left her face falling to the ground. Sobs broke through her chest, and she felt like she couldn't breathe. She never felt so hurt and damaged in her life before. Her pride so smashed, as well as her heart. Angel leaned against the wall, her head in her hands as she slowly dropped to the ground, as she continuously sobbed in separate intervals.

Her sparkling headband sewed with sequins had managed to fall off in the duration. It fell near her closet, in a tangle. Her entire attire consisting of a red sweater dress and black tights along with her black boots were in wrinkles, as though she had been in them for a long time. Her hair clung limply to her side, and in the light, her hair no longer held its usual glow; instead it was dead, as though it had fought a battle with something and was defeated. She leaned her head against the wall as thoughts ran across her mind, and she knew, she had been avoiding them from the start.

Her eyes closed and then reopened painfully. Yin never loved her from the start. From the moment, she admitted she had feelings for him, he never liked her; instead only saw it as entertainment to pass time. It was a one-sided love this whole time. Why couldn’t she accept the truth sooner? Why did she have to fall for such a immature jerk? He wasn't ready to date or commit to anything. Rather he had just been using her. And she just didn’t want to accept the truth, because it was ugly. It was ugly to hear, disgusting to know, because it wounded her pride, her soul, but mostly her heart.

She felt angry at herself, but also at him. He had played her, and she, being stupidly naive and hopeful, had fell into his alluring trap. She had too many false hopes, and he gave too many misunderstandings to make her think so.

She wished he was like other guys, who would bluntly tell her if anything was wrong. But he wasn't. He was different. He didn't trust her. Even through there were times when he did and said it aloud, in truth he held that tiny doubt in what she said. If there were any problems, or anything he was offended by, he wouldn't complained out loud, until pressured into. Instead they depended on their same-sex peers for advice; he went to the guys, while she went to the girls.

Everyone had told her, that he would never be committed to her. It was impossible due to his nature. But there were a few things she never expected, until time passed, such as being talked about behind her back, negatively. She never realized how he had felt, about her being near him. And after hearing what he had told others behind her back, she snapped. She didn't want to see him, she didn't want to think about him anymore. Whenever she was near him, part of her felt like running away while the other one wanted to stay by her side. The part of her that still liked him, wished intensely that he would tell her straight out. While the other part, hated him. As her emotions battled out, it broke her down. Which was what she was in right now, a meltdown.

Her eyes slowly closed and she wished, for time to pass, for her to never have fell for him.

One last lone tear trickled down her left side of her face, falling and then shattered before disappearing into the ground. And just like when that drop disappear, she felt as if her heart shattered into a million pieces.

And she didn't know what to do. She really didn't know what to think anymore.